Awful day

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Friday 1st April

April Fools Day. A day which is celebrated every year by playing practical jokes on other people and I normally have always tried to catch Robyn and Leah out first thing in the morning. But today I couldn’t even begin to think about what I could do 😔

I seem to be having a bit of a hard time in my head at the moment. I am feeling quite guilty that I am not doing anything amazing like climbing a mountain or running a marathon. I am just going to work, trying my best to keep up with the housework, going out every now and again, and even just doing those things tires me out! I mentioned to Robyn how I was feeling and she said ‘but your living a normal life now’ and I guess that’s maybe how I need to think of it and what organ donation is basically all about – ‘An organ transplant may save a person’s life or significantly improve their health and quality of life’ and it has definitely done all those things for me. 

I also know a few people that are having a hard time at the moment and I feel so guilty now when other people are ill and I am feeling ‘okay’. Why is it me that is doing so well? I really don’t think it’s fair and it affects me quite badly. 

Alex (who was in the bed next to me in the QE after our transplants) was going for a biopsy today as she has been feeling unwell again recently and this was really upsetting me. I couldn’t stop thinking about it and I knew work this morning was going to be tough as my concentration wouldn’t be good.  I also wasn’t feeling particularly great myself. I was on a bit of a different planet this morning but I eventually pulled myself together at the last minute and so was then rushing around to get ready. 

When I arrived at work, before I had even sat on my till, I saw my friend Sue’s husband John. Sue is having treatment for cancer at the moment. I asked how she was and everything. And then he told me that their daughter has been ill and was at the hospital right now having a scan. Possible cancer too. I couldn’t believe it. That poor family. 

And so now this did my head in just a little bit more. I felt so sad and stressed. What a nightmare this morning was so far and it was only 10 o’clock. I really struggled at work and a couple of times throughout the morning I did think about going home, but I made myself keep on and I managed to finish my shift, just about.

When I got home in the afternoon and early evening I was kept busy doing all my jobs as always.

Then later all I wanted to do was collapse on the sofa. What an awful, emotional day in my head it had been, I was exhausted and I was so glad that it was over 😖

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